**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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