Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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