my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
