He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
