Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
