is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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