$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
