Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
