is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
