Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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