so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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