Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
