i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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