It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
