I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
