i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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