glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
