I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
