Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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