Need sex. Gaining weight.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
