there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
