Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
