Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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