we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
