p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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