but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
