So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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