We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
