Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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