mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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