It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
