My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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