I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
