I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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