Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
