I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I have feelings that need drinking.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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