Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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