you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
