is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
3 2 1 whiskey
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
