I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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