I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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