I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
