my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
