I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
