im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
