Acid is not a monday night drug
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
