I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
