Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
