toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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