Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize