if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize