he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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