i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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