omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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