yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
