So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
what day is it and did you see me today?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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